This sucks

My life sucks so horridly. Today Kathleen left to go with her boyfriend and Greg went to work. Then I sat and cried because I have no where to go and nothing to do. There is no money to waste gas and no money to get anything to drink or anything so I do not need the car even though my husband would have left it. I am so sad and lonely. The dogs and I will probably go back to sleep. I just sleep and sleep. If I could just go to sleep and everything would be over. Okay enough of my pity party.

I have discovered that taken all three dogs out at one time with a squirt bottle guarantees no extra barking. There are cooped up just as much as I am.I am having a hard time today thinking of anything to write.

This is too hard

I feel like I CANNOT do this any more. I am tired of people expecting me to pull it together and get a job. I am tired of people I love not being able to understand why I have no feelings for my mom. She is not my mom and never has been I am just the reminder she had to get married. I was never a bad child or ever in trouble for anything and yet I still received the punishment for the few things I did do. The first story anyone told me was I killed a butterfly then lied about it. She beat me with the paddle until I couldn't sit down. When I threw mud at the windows she made me take all my clothes off and paddled me and then made me sit in the hot bath. There are many other stories but I do not care to go into them now. These are memories that fall into the conditions now and make my depression so much more difficult to deal with. It seems like it just won't go away and when the room is quiet I can hear it and feel it trying to cover me and bury me under it.

continuing on again

continuing on

Today has been another day - my husband got paid which left very little. After paying for the room, groceries, gas, two small bills there is nothing left and the storage payment will not get paid again. I go from being so down I could let go of the wheel when I'm driving it would then be over for me and I would feel sweet release. I cannot do that because whether I like it or not I am the glue that holds this sinking ship together even if I don't want to be. Why can't I be like a lot of other weak people and why am I not weak? I was always told I was nothing, useless and unable to do anything on my own.Why do I have to be so bull headed about it all. There seems like it will never end and with that we got another "sorry we at the church cannot help you". Is there really no one who helps someone else at all.




Well, as I promised here are some other things I have learned:

1.  You can with a lot less then you think you can - I have learned and made some amazing dinners that are simple and yet good. We have a microwave, toaster oven and wok in our room to use. There is also a two burner stove but it is not really that helpful and it makes the room hot.

2.  We have a few friends who help us keep healthy food and one of those people bought us a small chest freezer. It is awesome to have and we have a small dorm size refrigerator that does a pretty good job for fresh veggies like lettuce, celery . . .

3.  I often take leftovers of pizza and divide it up in foil then freeze. I buy a bag of chicken breasts - its 5 lbs for 10.00 and when I cook them I cut them up in bite size pieces and stir fry. It keeps the meat tender and juicy. We also use low carb wraps to make chicken and veggie wraps.

4.  I use towels, sheets and toilet paper from the hotel. We don't pay for it and I don't have to wash any of it. That cuts down on how much laundry I need to do.

5.  As for our dogs I put trash bags on bottom pieces of the furniture in case of accidents. They also off and on wear belly bands with feminine pads I get as free samples in the mail.

Well, that is enough of this and I am stopping for now. I may have more then on entry for each day so don't be surprised. I plan to use this to help me deal with the way I feel at times.