This is too hard

I feel like I CANNOT do this any more. I am tired of people expecting me to pull it together and get a job. I am tired of people I love not being able to understand why I have no feelings for my mom. She is not my mom and never has been I am just the reminder she had to get married. I was never a bad child or ever in trouble for anything and yet I still received the punishment for the few things I did do. The first story anyone told me was I killed a butterfly then lied about it. She beat me with the paddle until I couldn't sit down. When I threw mud at the windows she made me take all my clothes off and paddled me and then made me sit in the hot bath. There are many other stories but I do not care to go into them now. These are memories that fall into the conditions now and make my depression so much more difficult to deal with. It seems like it just won't go away and when the room is quiet I can hear it and feel it trying to cover me and bury me under it.